midget

When I was in grade school, I was always the shortest one in my class. My nickname, in fact, was "Midget." Naturally, I resented this. But now, though at 5'7" I'm not exactly a giant, I kind of wish I could go back a few inches.

Coffee, as it turns out, does not stunt your growth.

If I had missed 3 of those inches, keeping my current proportions, I would probably be able to fit into my mother's wedding dress without having panels put in. (Probably.) Also, I would be 6 luxurious inches shorter than Mike, and I would be a lot more believable as an ingenue onstage. Plus, my voice would finally match the way I look. People might even, at a stretch, use the words "petite" or "little" to describe me.

Someone needs to invent a shrink-ray.